“Covert narcissists, like professional actors, are talented at pretending to be someone they are not. If people could see behind their charming likeable ‘masks’ they wouldn’t be able to steal, exploit and manipulate their unsuspecting victims.”

-Ross Rosenberg 

Covert narcissist 

A covert narcissist is a person who possesses the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder but, display these behaviours in a more subtle way. 

Covert narcissists spend their entire lives playing a role. They never show their true self to 99% of people they meet. They’ll lie about anything. They do all this without damaging their façade. 

In this article I’ll discuss the signs, causes, behaviors,  and five unbelievable things covert narcissists say. 

Signs of covert narcissists 

It can be helpful to look at how narcissist traits emerge in different situations to know the signs of covert narcissism. The following are the signs of a covert narcissist :

• Highly sensitive to criticism. 
• Have grandiose fantasies. 
• Have shy or withdrawn nature. 
• Show signs of passive aggression. 
• Have depression, anxiety and stress. 
• Are envious. 
• Hold grudges. 
• Are insecure and have low self-esteem. 

Causes of narcissistic personality disorder

The causes of narcissistic personality disorder are not proven. But there are a number of factors that contribute to these behavioural disorders. 

 

These factors include 

• Genetics 
• The way they’re brought up. 
• Childhood trauma or abuse they might have suffered from. 
• Personality traits. 

There is another factor that contributes to covert narcissism. There is a study that shows that people with covert narcissism are more likely to have parents who themselves are focused on status and achievements. 

Behaviour of covert narcissists 

They show different traits in different situations. These behaviours include :

• Condescending treatment to people around them or colleagues. 
• Huge difference between their public and private lives. 
• Making irrational demands. 
• Blaming or shaming others around them.
• Show of rage and anger towards others. 
• Gossiping or backbiting. 
• Lack of empathy, sympathy or compassion. 
• Gaslighting behaviour where they criticise making it seem as a concern. 
• Exploiting people or taking advantage of people’s vulnerability. 
• Not accepting others’ emotions or feelings. 

Unbelievable things covert narcissists say 

Although there are a lot of unbelievable things covert narcissists say, there are a few common phrases that they are known to say. These include: 

• No one knows what I’ve faced in past 

Although covert narcissists feel empowered, they also feel insecure. This feeling of insecurity could cause anger and victimization. They want people to understand that their suffering is worse than anyone else. 

• I can do it by myself, I can’t depend on anyone else

Covert narcissists are so consumed with themselves that they have very little to offer in relationships. Afterward, they just show themselves as mentally strong and that they don’t need anyone else. 

• If someone trusted in me, I don’t have a chance

“Poor me!” is another statement used in place of the above-mentioned statement. This further shows the victim behavior, that is commonly found with covert narcissists say.  The person believes that they are special and that their upbringing is above anyone else’s. They think that the circumstances they face are not up to par and are less than what they deserve. 

• I wish I had the opportunity you’ve had. 

This may sound as a praise but contrary to that it is anything but true.  People with covert narcissism are crippled with jealousy. Finally, sooner or later their resentment spills out. They change the statement and present it in a way that people are bound to believe that it’s a compliment. 

• I will get everything that I deserve. Although  everyone is against me

This statement is included in unjustified paranoia. They believe they’re always unlucky and that everyone out there is against them. They believe that others are conspiring against them. They also believe that people are trying to exploit their supposed sweet and loving nature. 

It is easy to identify overt narcissists with their loud and obvious ways. But with covert narcissists behaviors are elusive and crafty, making it harder to catch. They need continuous encouragement. 

Other common unbelievable things covert narcissists say 

Things covert narcissists say to devalue you 

• Wait. You’re allergic to peanuts? I was just trying to do something nice. 
• Nothing I ever do is enough for you. 
• You’re so sensitive. 
• Can’t you take a joke? Jeez. 

Things covert narcissists say while they pretend to be in love 

• I have never fallen for someone this quickly. 
• You have such great ideas. Why don’t you become a leader? 

Things covert narcissists say when they think they’re being treated unfairly 

• Why are you doing this to me? 
• How can you even say that?
• You are a liar.
• I could never trust you. 

Consciously or subconsciously, everything that covert narcissists say are meant to control the way you see or perceive them. 

Ways to deal with a covert narcissist 

There are several ways in which one can avoid getting controlled by a covert narcissist. Although controlling things covert narcissists say is not possible, but you can control the way you interact or behave with them. 

Setting boundaries is one way to limit the influence of a covert narcissist over you. They have unhealthy boundaries. As they lack empathy, and compassion and exploit others, boundaries would hinder their achievement of goals. Even if setting boundaries and limitations proves to be difficult, it is a necessary step to controlling a covert narcissist’s behavior. 

Another way to limit their control is by advocating for yourself. It helps when they know that you are aware of their tactics and it makes it less appealing for them to try it on you. 

Creating or managing a healthy distance is another effective way of managing a person with symptoms of covert narcissism. Hence, limiting personal interactions is necessary if you are being hurt by someone’s narcissism. 

Conclusion 

If someone is responsible for creating distress in your life that and also shows signs of covert narcissism, they should be encouraged to talk to a professional medical provider. They need to seek immediate help from healthcare providers in order to manage their lives and improve their condition and symptoms.